Trust and Caution: Striking a Balance
September 5, 2008

When I was a child, milk came in bottles. There was always a certain fear of breaking one, but the milkman was a great friend to the neighborhood kids. When it was really hot, he sometimes gave us chunks of ice to suck on. Today, during breakfast, children look at milk cartons that carry pictures of missing children. Some offer preventative measures for avoiding the national epidemic of missing children.

The word "prevent" is a strong one. We cannot prevent the tragedy of missing children, any more than we can prevent floods or blizzards. In other words, we can and must take every precautionary measure possible, but sometimes those things happen. We feel angry; we feel powerless. But they happen.

Certainly, the recent attempt by schools to insist that parents call in if their children are to be late or absent is a sound one. The idea that families establish a code word to be used if anyone other than family picks a child up from school or recreational activities has some merit. However, sometimes I compare it to the old adage about good locks and security systems keeping honest people out. I can picture a situation where my spouse cannot be reached and my youngest child, burning with a fever, refuses to leave the school with a good friend who has forgotten the password. Children in the early grades are literal—very literal. Once we establish that one is not to be trusted without the password, most four- to eight-year-olds will rigorously uphold that rule, even if they are talking to their favorite aunt whom they see three times a week. On the other hand, if a person approaches our child with ill will, do we really want the child lingering to discuss passwords at all?

There are several tried and true precautions we ca take with young, and even older, children. Though personalized items always please children, they should only be items for the home. Backpacks, umbrellas, sweatshirts, or outerwear should never bear a child's name. It provides an easy "in" for strangers.

Often we tell children to run if a car slows or stops and its occupants want to engage them in conversation, but we forget to tell the children to run in the direction opposite the car's. Reminding children not to take shortcuts or walk in abandoned areas is important, as is pointing out that children walking in groups are not as vulnerable as a child waking alone.            

Parents of very young children need to be more explicit than, "Never talk to strangers."

Ask your child to describe a stranger. Don't be surprised if she says, "A stranger is a great big gigantic furry thing that roars!" Young children need to know that a stranger is anyone who does not know them from school or home. A teenager, an elderly person, and a peer can all be strangers.

However, once we deal with the issue of strangers, we must face what current research indicates about sexual abuse of children: frequently, relatives or family friends interact inappropriately with children. One of the finer concepts introduced on the subject is that of personal space and trusting one's gut feelings. Children can be guided to trust their feelings. If they feel uncomfortable, they should leave the situation or speak up about their discomfort. Parents must be cautious when training their children to comply with the wishes of adults. Children should be encouraged to say no to an adult when they are not comfortable with the adult's requests.

I think it is important to think about trust and our young children. We cannot become so obsessed with instilling fear that we forget to nurture a sense of trust. We cannot keep our children in a bubble, safe from all the evils of the world. Even if we could, I am not sure we would want to. We need to strike a balance between instilling a sensible fear and encouraging our youngsters to believe in the basic goodness of humankind.

We cannot afford to let the violent acts of some disturbed segments of our society color our perceptions of the entire human race. Children need to be aware of potential danger, but they also need to believe that the world is a good place in which to live, and that we can sometimes rely on the kindness of strangers.